New Rules

Damon’s New Rules for 2008

I can't stand Bill Maher but I enjoy his skit "New Rules". Here's my version of that.

These are some random yet honest gripes from my somewhat pessimistic mind. Don't take anything personal, it's just time for me to vent. But really, who reads these anyway? (oops! I was being pessimistic again! I gotta stop that )

1. New Rule! People at the gym need to get out of their routines.

I work in the fitness profession. I love the exercise part of the business. I love seeing people reach goals through hard work and motivation (not pills, fad diets, or surgeries). I know what it's like to be overweight and/or out of shape so I understand the struggle, I also understand how good it feels to overcome that struggle and be able to maintain the lifestyle. That's why I am getting so tired of seeing people (drones, robots, pick a word) who come in the gym and do the same exact routine every single workout. They wear the same workout clothes, start at the exact same machine, and go through the same motions. Every single time for years and years. They also do not listen to my co-workers and I, the professionals, when we tell them they're never going to see results if they keep doing the same monotonous routine every single time.

Nine times out of ten, if the very first thing you do when you get in the gym is go sit on the leg extension machine, do 10 reps, then rest for 5 minutes until you do another one, your program could use a jolt anyway.

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of routines myself, I eat generally the same sandwich everyday at noon, I usually get a diet soda at the same time everyday, I like to crack a cold one generally about the same time on a Saturday night,etc. But as far as a workout is concerned, I am constantly changing and varying. Doing the same thing all the time is going to become totally pointless if you don't change something. Anything. I mean, aren't you getting bored? A workout should not become something you are just "going through the motions" with anyway.

I honestly think a lot of certain people, as robotic and programmed as they are, don't even think about what they are doing anymore. Their brains are preset to go to a certain place, sit on a certain machine and do a certain exercise every single time they enter the gym. Change it? What?? Get outa here!

Okay. Bye.

2. Now Hair This!

Honestly, if you've been wearing the same hairstyle as you did in high school and you're now in your late 30's or 40's, chances are that hairstyle has gone out of style. Do you see many people around you still sporting that do? Here's a hint, if you're a woman and your hairstyle has bangs, frills, or any kind of feathery look, it's OUT. Change it, you look ridiculous. Anyone ever seen that Seinfeld with the woman who wore her hair like she did in high school and she was mocked behind her back because people were afraid to tell her? Yeah, that's what is probably happening to you.

Look, I don't claim to be perfect, I don't have "Sam Malone from Cheers" hair (anymore ), and I'm at an age where I may not constantly be in tune to the latest styles and fads all the time. Sometimes I have to ask or read an issue of GQ, I admit. But I'm also aware enough to know that the bowl cut I sported in 9th grade is not really in style anymore. That was 1990. It is now 2008. Think things may have changed a bit?

That trans-am isn't cool anymore and those jordache jeans should have been put out with the trash in 1987. So that Farrah Fawcett hairdo is over.

Travel anywhere in Glen Burnie and you'll see what I am talking about. (okay, that was a low blow, I'll take that one back )

quick disclaimer: This is all in good fun here. I understand that just because someone wears their hair like this it doesn't make them any less of a good person, etc. This is not being written in anger, but more as a light hearted riff.

3. New Rule: Save the commentating for a football game.

I am becoming increasingly intolerant of people who feel the need to commentate on the food that I am eating. I call them "food commentators or "food acknowledgers" This has happened to me at every job I've worked before:
"smells good, whatcha got?"
"wow, are you gonna eat that much?"
"that can't be healthy!"
"oooh that looks good what is that?"
" that's a tiny portion, are you feeding the rabbits?"
And I am not talking about co-workers either, when you work side by side with people everyday- yeah you talk about what you're eating. I'm talking about the random people who walk by and feel the need to mention something about your food.
Can I just eat in peace? Can I eat without your acknowledgement that I am eating and questions? I can't answer you with my mouth full and furthermore, I don't want to. Let me eat.

4. Yet even more on the topic of locker room ettiquette...

I 've discussed in blogs before how murphy's law always applies in the gym locker room. No matter where I may have my stuff by the lockers, and no matter how empty the locker room may be, someone will always come in and have the locker right above or next to mine. Yeah, this still continues.

Really? Is that really where your locker is? In this empty ass locker room? Okay fine, dumb luck, I know this kind of things happens by chance. I know no one is literally out to annoy me.
I'm just saying, seriously -get your balls out of my face. Me reaching down to tie my shoe is not a good time for you to throw that leg up on the bench so that siskel and ebert are dangling inches from my face. If we're going to be changing this close to each other-help me out here, move a couple paces down the bench. There's no hot mug of water down here, I don't need a teabag.

5. New Rule!

Just because a female is hot does not automatically make her dumb. You hear this everywhere. People just can't seem to appreciate beauty and move on, they always have to throw in "well she can't be too smart if she's that good looking." Why not? I think jealous people say this. They're mad someone else is better looking than them so they go on the defensive. Unprovoked! Why be so mean? Good looks don't equal stupidity. If they do, I missed that memo. There are probably a lot of hotties who are not too smart but then there are a lot who are very smart.

The same goes for guys too. I know for instance that Brad Pitt is (may? ) be a better looking man than I am. This does not tick me off to the point where I need to call him dumb. Am I a little envious? Sure. I think it's okay to be a little envious if we're envying out of admiration and it motivates us to better ourselves. It's when the envy turns to bitterness and nastiness that I have the problem with it.

I say if someone is hot- good for them! Cheers! They probably work hard to be that way. Move on. Save the obviously bitter comentary.

6. New Rule for all men going into the gym:

There are other muscles in your body besides your biceps!

It's becoming a very bothersome predictability in the gym, if a male is somewhat new to the fitness arena or even worse, a seasoned veteran in the gym, the first exercise he will go to is the bicep curl. Why? Bicep curls are probably the least functional exercise you can do in the gym. The bicep curl is almost completely unnecessary to a program. Sure, every once in a while throw in a few sets of some curls at the end of a workout for variety, but to take an entire day to do biceps is overkill. Same goes for triceps for that matter.

You want to get big biceps? Do pullups or chinups. Do lat pulldowns and rows. Any movement where you're moving more than one muscle at a time is better than one where you move one. Why? You work more muscle at the same time, so more muscle gets built. Really, how exhausted are you after those sets of concentration curls? Is your body worn down? Are you sweating pools from doing biceps? Get on that lat pulldown and pull down some weight using your back muscles and your biceps. You'll get bigger biceps than if you just do concentration curls all day. More muscles working= more muscle.

I know it's the cliche and macho thing to grab those dumbbells and do curls, but get over it.

7.While we're at the gym.....

Guys, you need to do cardio, too.

I know so many men who scoff at the idea of cardio. They can lift lots of heavy weight in the weight room and they usually enjoy throwing the weight down after and grunting to show everyone else how strong they are. They can squat 400 and they can bench 350. But ask them to run a mile and see what they say.

Your program is not complete if you're just doing one or the other. So guys, you need to do some cardio, and girls, you need to lift some weights. How often you do either of the two depends on your goals.

Now I understand fella, your only goal is to be huge. You could care less about your cardiovascular endurance. I know your main goal is to just have a muscle pop out from under that size extra medium shirt like the Incredible Hulk. And yes, that amount of weight you can move is impressive. But you want to really impress me? Go out and run a few miles and follow it up with running flights of stairs for 20 minutes, without puking.

8. New rule for myself:

Don't sweat the small stuff!

This pertains to lots of people but I really am making a conscious effort to follow my own advice on this one. I write this blog in comedy and in jest, but I am not above any of these rules. I'm not perfect. I tend to be impatient, I get pissed off in traffic, and I hate when people talk in the movies. But really, when it all comes down to it, it's very minor and petty to people in other circumstances.

There are so many people less fortunate than you or me out there that any of these things I mention would seem preposterous. People with terminal diseases, trying to cling to their last few moments with their loved ones or soldiers at war, living everyday like it could be their last.

My point is, you are always lucky by at least one person's standards, somewhere. Capture the simple moments.

(But change that hairdo.)
D